Gender

Mar. 31, 2025

I sure did make a few posts about queerness in rapid succession, huh? This is not an apology. It will happen again.

Today is trans day of visibility. I came out to my parents today. I was very scared. Things turned out okay, I think.

I'm gonna repost a thing I wrote on tumblr back in August 2024 about my gender:

Aug. 3, 2024

I was gonna make a big long post about gender last night but I got really high and fell asleep before I could do that

Talking about gender and genitals below

I still am genderfluid. But I realized a few days ago that my type of genderfluidity is less feminine than I used to think. I think it's a lot like how I described Louie's gender, for those who have been following me for the DT17 fandom, where like, the fluidity is between boy, agender, and demi-girl. At the time I didn't realize that was how I felt about my own gender.

But I've been thinking about it and demi-girl really does best describe how I relate to womanhood. I was thinking how fucking upset and dysphoric being called a "woman" is, but I tried thinking of myself as a "nonbinary woman" (which is a term I remember Rebecca Sugar using to describe themself, not sure if it still is) and things felt a lot more comfortable, a lot more right.

Being called "she" makes me upset and tired, but I think that's mostly because I'm SICK of being misgendered at work (which double-sucks because that's the only place where I wear a pronoun pin) and I'm a little more sure that I'd be fine with it if people actually respected me. I'm leaving it in my pronouns. But there's a reason I put "he" and "they" first.

I very much want to be seen as like. A feminine man. A prettyboy. But also someone who you question the gender of like 90% of the time. I dunno how better to describe it. It would be nice to use the men's restroom without fear, also.

I think one of the biggest reasons I clung to femininity is that my bottom dysphoria is MASSIVELY fluid. Some days I want a dick so bad it makes me want to die because I wasn't born with one. Those days are fewer and far between now that I'm not a teenager anymore, but I do still get days where I just wish I was born with a cock. But a lot of the time I'm comfortable with the genitals I was born with, and honestly I really would like to get pregnant and have at least one child someday. And I've gotten more comfortable with my genitals the more and more I've seen people sexualize trans men of all different transitional stages, kind of normalizing guys having pussies and still being guys. I remember not wanting to even TOUCH tguy porn when I was younger because of my bottom dysphoria, but now I seek it out by default. I want to see guys with scars and pussies in my porn, it makes me so much more comfortable.

I think I'm more fluid in how I feel about my genitals than how I actually feel about my gender, is what I'm getting at. Being able to recognize that sometimes I wanna be a man with a cock and sometimes a man with a pussy (though sometimes I feel feminine and want a cock, those feelings have definitely happened). I think that's why I consider myself a trans man rather than just non-binary (though I do still consider myself non-binary). Why I consider myself mlm.

I'm happy to have figured things out a little more. My lables haven't really changed at all but I know a little more about myself.

ETA: Happy Trans Day of Visibility. I am so, so proud of us. Stay safe, and please don't ever forget how loved you are.